One of the things I hated when I was younger was the expectation that I would allow any adult known to my parents to touch and kiss me. The touching was bad enough, but having someone’s face shoved against mine was something I can only describe as repulsive.
Most of the people who wanted to do this were significantly older than my parents, often stank of alcohol or even less pleasant things, and seemed to regard my unwilling submission and distress as some sort of personal victory. That parents sanction this kind of thing, and even find it funny, or get angry if the child refuses, has always worried me. For an autistic child it’s one of the stupidest things they can do.
If you are very rule- and logic-based, then demonstrating that any adult known to your parents must be allowed to have physical contact on demand, negates all the ‘stranger danger’ education. Most neurotypical children can negotiate the more complex concepts of ‘bad’ and ‘acceptable’ touching. Not all autistic kids, and even teens, can manage this. They know that a parent gets angry if they try and refuse contact with a relative or family friend, and that they are usually forced to submit, so when those boundaries are crossed by an adult in inappropriate ways the only rule they can fall back on is that they must do as they are told.
And when bad things happen, the child is met with neurotypical incomprehension. Why did you do that? Why did you do what he told you? Why didn’t you say no?
And the answer – I didn’t say no because you told me not to – if given, is likely to evoke an even more negative response. Of course I didn’t! How dare you blame me? How could you be so stupid?
I think it’s time we let all children establish their own body boundaries. Read this. It’s a good discussion of the inappropriate ways we force unwanted physical contact on kids.
If you wouldn’t force an adult to kiss another adult if they didn’t want to, why the hell are you making kids do it?
I had to comment to confirm your worry, because this is basically exactly what happened to me. I was molested by my nanny age 5-7 and I didn’t complain because I didn’t understand how it was any different than other adults treated me and it seemed to be really important to her. And in case you were wondering, not knowing it was wrong didn’t make it screw me up any less.
I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to.
I think one of the hardest things for an autie is trying to reconcile this. Because it takes a long time first to understand that it was autism that was responsible for how you responded, and that wasn’t your fault.
I think the best analogy would be a child in a wheelchair who couldn’t run from a paedophile. There is no way you would hold that child responsible because of their disability, and yet a different disability that has the same effect is somehow the child’s responsibility.
It wasn’t until I saw an autistic woman on television explaining how it had happened to her as a child that I suddenly realised I had done exactly the same thing. At last, after thirty years, I could let go of feeling to blame for something like that.
A great post that also touches on some of these issues is ‘the Good Girl’ which is over on the left, under ‘Articles’.
Very good post. I remember disliking my grand mother because she always coerced me to kiss her on the cheek, and I hated it. Forcing kids to kisses or hugs when they don’t like it shows lack of respect and I don’t understand the desire to force all those touch/hug/kiss rituals through when they are not welcome.
the reason the ‘normies’ can tell (and those like us can’t) is because of their instinctual focus upon ‘power and control’: “one must let the powerful do as they wish, while one Must arrack the powerless” – and thereby preserve or gain power for oneself.
While not all ‘normies’ are focused solely upon the getting and keeping of power to the exclusion of all else, 1)the worst-behaving(from the standpoint of autists) often are; and 2) all ‘normies” , by definition, have that power-instinct thing going if they’re awake. They might not be listening especially closely at any given time, but it IS there – and if the right opportunity presents itself ( one of us shows up…) they just might listen to their “inner psychopath”.